Nominations Ahoy!
by Abbott and Costello
Summary: Lee Jordan got a new job, but the customers are ridiculous. This is NOT Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes.


**Disclaimer/Authors Note: I don't own most of the characters in this story. I also don't own some of the themes/objects and stuff in this story. J. K. Rowling owns those.  
**

"And now, our host here at _Nominations Ahoy!_ Lee Jordan!"

Lee Jordan jumped onto the stage, raising his hands to the cheering crowd. It was the first episode of _Nominations Ahoy!_ and Lee had been asked to do the honors of being the host. He took the microphone from the announcer and started winging it, because he had just forgotten what he had prepared.

"Thank you, thank you, I definitely deserved that."

The clapping stopped abruptly. Apparently, these people didn't get a joke.

"As you know, we are here at _Nominations Ahoy!_ where you vote on who YOU think should win as the best… whatever for this week! Today you can nominate who you think is, or was, the best actor in the time of the Second Wizard War. If you are listening to this on the radio, write down your answer and floo it to _Nominations Ahoy!_ headquarters. If you are here watching this live, please take the paper from the left side of your chair, write your choice down and put it back in the same place."

There was a great rustling while everyone took a paper and started writing down their choice. Lee saw one person try and get the paper form the right side of his chair while the person to his right kept on slapping his hand away. Eventually, the second person shot a stunning spell at the first man. When everyone looked like they had finished writing, Lee spoke again.

"While we wait for the results, who knows any good jokes?" No one raised their hand for a while, but finally an young man raised his hand. "You," Lee said, pointing at the man, "come on up." The man slowly came up the walkway in the audience and up the stairs at the front of the stage.

"Now," said Lee, "What's your name?"

"Bones," said the man.

"I hope that that's not your first name, right?" A few people laughed, but barely any. Lee could barely stop himself from slapping his head, these people were ridiculous.

"Yes," said Mr. Bones.

"Okay, said Lee slowly, "what jokes do you know?"

"I made these up myself, and I'm quite proud of them."

"But what are they?" prompted Lee.

"They're jokes," said Mr. Bones, looking like he was wondering why Lee would ask such a stupid question. Lee really did slap his head at that statement.

"I know they're jokes! I want to know what the jokes are!" shouted Lee, angry at the stupidity of this man.

"You don't have to yell," said Mr. Bones, looking at Lee a little hurt and sticking his finger in his earhole. Lee could barely control not cursing Mr. Bones off the stage at this point. "My first joke is, why did the chicken go on the Knight Bus?"

"Okay, people, does anybody know why the chicken went on the Knight Bus?" asked Lee. Nobody raise their hands. "Well," said Lee, turning to Mr. Bones, "they don't know, and I don't know, so what's the answer?"

Mr. Bones looked really excited that no one could figure out the answer. "Okay, the answer is… because he wanted to go to Turkey!" and he burst out laughing like it was the funniest thing ever. No one else laughed, and eventually Mr. Bones realized that. Still, he didn't look sad. "Okay, how about this one, what did the egg stealer say when the Crazy Dragon shot a jet of flame at him? Anybody? No one? Okay well here's the answer, "That thing's mad!" Nobody laughed.

Lee thought this was getting ridiculous, so he went up to Mr. Bones and said it straight out, "Mr. Bones, your jokes are not humerus. They're so bad it's like you ripped the flesh off of them."

Surprisingly, the audience started yelling at Lee, and throwing things (who knew you could conjure rotten tomatoes?) at him and yelling for him to let Mr. Bones try again. Luckily, the announcer came up at that exact time and took the microphone, so Lee could slink away. The announcer motioned that Mr. Bones could leave the stage and announced the winners.

"In third place, with the bronze medal, is Mrs. Hermione Weasley, for acting as Bellatrix Lestrange very well indeed with little training in the face of life or death. In second place, with the silver medal, is Mrs. Narcissa Malfoy for lying directly to Voldemort, which is apparently impossible. In first place, with the gold medal, is Mr. Severus Snape for tricking the entire Wizarding World into believing that he was on the side of the Death Eaters. For those of you that are alive, you can pick up your medal after the show. Give them a hand."

The crowd went wild, even wilder than when Lee had first gone on the stage. The announcer quickly left the stage and Lee came back on.

"Thank you for coming here tonight. I hope you had a lovely time and Goodbye!"


End file.
